First Dates Gone Awry

There’s been a lot of speculation about the quality of single, college-aged girls in the Melbourne area. My hypothesis is simple: most of the good ones go out of town for college while the “less than desirables” stick around, making the dating scene a rough, contaminated quagmire for guys like me. To qualify my deduction, here are some real quotes from first-dates I’ve been on:

  • “My ex-boyfriend drives a truck, too!”
  • “Do you want to see my tattoo?”
  • “I hate answering phones all day [at work].”
  • “You can make a lot of money being a massage therapist.”
  • “That’s my mom calling.” x 5
  • “We were pretty drunk that night.”
  • ” I’m trying to find a daddy for [my two year-old].”

(I really wish I were making these up)

As a result, here are some thoughts that often occur during my first-dates:

  • “If she says Wal-mart one more time…”
  • “Just tell her you’re not feeling good.”
  • “I’m closing that goddamn MySpace account when I get home.”
  • “She looks confused. Quick, talk about Wal-mart again!”
  • “What the hell is she wearing”
  • “Is it rude to get up and leave right now?”

This is, without a doubt, the most depressing thing about living on the Space Coast, and I encourage any girl in Brevard County to prove me wrong about this. Please.