It was sometime around the end of fifth grade when my parents decided to move from New Hampshire to Florida. At that age, I never understood why they made that decision. I was young, but I had friends, a place I loved, a life I was familiar with.
I cried the last day of fifth grade. It happened at the end of the day in front of the school where the buses picked us up. I told my friends we were moving, but they didn't believe me. Maybe I didn't believe it myself. But it was real. How could this happen? That would be the last time I ever saw my friends.
I should have learned this lesson a long time ago. Searching for something that isn't there for so many years has taken an emotional toll on me. I've dragged myself through hell and back too many times now. I should've known better. I should've realized it sooner.
Just like the last time, this is the last time.
Sometimes I just want it to be dark forever. I want to feel the cold air inside my lungs and walk aimlessly through the night. I need to feel like it’s out there…like it’s really out there and that I can get to it. I need to know if what I need is really what I seek, and if what I seek is really what I need.
It’s been a long time since I could feel it…that gut feeling that what I’m doing is right. That deep down feeling that isn’t there anymore. I need to know where it went. I need it to call out to me so I can be reassured that it’s not a lost cause. I need to feel alive again.
The same song plays over and over again. Four minutes and forty-eight seconds of Taking Back Sunday fills the room in a constant echo. Why does everything seem so unhappy? Why does everything feel so burned out and pointless? Everyone says there’s hope. They always say that there’s meaning behind it all…but I can never seem to grasp it. It feels like a constant spin of anger and depression, maybe a day or two of false happiness, then back to hell again.
When there’s something in your life that you want to change, it’s up to you to change it. Other people might influence you or maybe you want to impress somebody, but ultimately it is you that makes the change. So what extent should you go to just to make something different in your life? Do you tear everything down and start over from scratch? Do you take your time, manipulating things piece by piece? What if you hate yourself, or the decisions that you’ve made? What if you’ve changed your world so much that you hate it even worse than you did before? Do you try again? Do you keep going and hope that you make it better? What if it keeps getting worse? We always know exactly what we want, and we do whatever we can just to get it. But once we have it there’s always something else we want even more.